The Greeks had demanded that Helen be present for the negotiation. She’d been reluctant to go – the shame she felt every day since abandoning her family would be greatly magnified if she had to look her husband in the eye. The best she could do was to keep her gaze low, fixed to the floor, to avoid his probing looks. She could tell he had a hundred questions, but she had few answers, and left it to Paris’s father, King Priam, to negotiate on her behalf.
For many Trojans, this negotiation felt eerily familiar. Priam's father Laomedon had been in a very similar situation less than four decades ago. Laomedon believed he was a legend in his own time - a grandiose genius who believed he could get away with anything if he was bold enough and stubborn enough. Since then, though, he had been remembered as one of the most disgracefully incompetent and dishonest kings in Trojan history. He'd been obsessed with building ridiculously over-sized walls to protect Troy. The idea might have had some merit - Troy had already been sacked by foreign armies on many occasions, and its not as if he'd been trying to wall in all of Troa, so when he promised to restore Troy to its former glory, many had rallied behind him. But then once the walls were built, he became so obsessed with showing off his business acumen that he plied every trick he knew (which was a fairly short list) to avoid actually paying for the wall. He'd stiffed Poseidon and Apollo, and then after he'd hired Heracles to defend them from the gods' inevitable retaliation, he'd refused to pay him, too. Laomedon's attempts to make Troy great again while having someone else pay for it had left the city in flames - again - and it had left most of his sons dead or in chains.
Fortunately, Priam was a better negotiator than his father, Laomedon, and the Greeks and Trojans alike had appealed to the god Hermes to monitor the discussion in Priam's throne room and ensure the negotiation remained peaceful.
“You began boarding Trojan merchant ships and seizing their cargos as soon as you entered our waters,” Priam said, “I ought to consider that in itself an act of war!”
“It was suggested that Paris might attempt to flee with Helen to Egypt,” Agamemnon said, “We couldn’t afford the risk that they might elude us that way.”
“And their cargos?” Priam demanded.
“Consider it a down payment towards the reparations you’ll be offering us,” Agamemnon answered.
“Reparations?! You attacked us! Why in Zeus’s name should we pay you reparations?!”
“Your son absconded with Menelaus’s wife,” Odysseus said, “We were well justified in coming to retrieve her, but an army does not mobilize or move cheaply, and taking these men so far from home has serious costs for their families and their emotional wellbeing that warrants extra compensation. It’s only fair that you reimburse that expense.”
“It was your choice to show up with tens of thousands of men,” Hector said, “Menelaus could have come alone.”
Odysseus smiled. Although Hector was the opposition, it was a good sign that he was inserting himself into the dialogue. His even temper and sharp mind might be their best ally in Troy.
“Hector,” Odysseus said, “I understand what you’re saying, but Menelaus is not just some aggrieved fisherman. He’s the king of Sparta, and Helen of Sparta – abducted by a Trojan prince – is his queen. Surely if Hecuba were abducted you wouldn’t expect your father to cross the seas and confront the rulers of another nation without a security force to ensure the negotiations transpired peacefully?”
“You mean Helen was Menelaus's queen,” Paris said, “Helen of Sparta is Helen of Troy, now.”
“Is that right?” Menelaus asked, “Because as you might recall, I gained the throne through Helen. She’s the rightful queen of Sparta with or without me. What right has a Trojan prince to detain Sparta’s queen?”
“Helen is not detained,” Priam said, “she is here of her own free will.”
“Bullshit,” Menelaus, more Spartan than Mycenaen, abandoned decorum in favor of an honest expression of his beliefs. “Helen would never leave me or our daughter without coercion of some sort.”
“She bored of you, Menelaus,” Paris said, “You were always a weak man, simpering in your brother’s shadow, licking his boots. Helen is a vibrant, woman with wants and needs that an old cuck like you has neither the discipline, ability, nor raw passion to satisfy.”
Menelaus, like the other Greek delegates, was unarmed, but he began to move forward, intent on beating Paris to death with his bare hands.
Odysseus gestured for him to wait, “If that’s true, Paris, I think we would like to hear Helen say so. Helen, did you leave with Paris of your own accord? Do you want to stay in Troy?”
Helen, eyes still on the ground, mumbled something.
“What was that?” Agamemnon said, “I didn’t hear her?”
“YES!” Helen shouted, at last looking up, tears rolling from her eyes, “I said yes…”
“Yes what?” Paris prompted her.
“Yes, I came here of my own accord, and I wish to stay here with Paris.”
“Tell them why.”
“I don’t know.”
“Tell them what I said, tell them it’s true.”
Helen looked at Paris with startlingly hate filled eyes, “Don’t make me say that, please.”
“If you truly love me, you’ll tell them I’m right.”
Helen ground her teeth, as if fighting to hold back some invisible force, but eventually caved, “It’s true, all of it. I loved Menelaus once, but he isn’t man enough for me.”
“He’s weak,” Paris said.
“He’s weak,” Helen nodded complacently.
“And impotent,” Paris added.
“And impotent…”
“Enough!” Priam said, “This is a diplomatic negotiation. Not a juvenile pissing contest.”
Menelaus was tearing up from the strain of controlling his temper. He wanted to tear Paris limb from limb, and he’d grown into a strong enough man he might be able to pull at least a few pieces off of the vicious boy.
Paris laughed, “Minnie’s crying now; surely that puts any question of Helen’s desires to rest?”
Menelaus snapped. He belted one of the Trojan's guards, grabbed his spear, and threw it at Paris. Hermes moved faster than the eye, and snatched the spear out of the air just soon enough to prevent it from striking Helen, who’d thrown herself in front of Paris to shield him. When Menelaus saw that he mentally collapsed, crying uncontrollably as two of the Trojan guards subdued him.
“How dare you!” Priam said, “You came here under a white flag of truce for a parlay, and you attempt to murder my son?”
Hermes stepped between the negotiating parties, still holding the spear, “Cool it, all of you,” he said in his curious way of talking, “I think we can all agree that Paris’s behavior was nothing if not anti-diplomatic and outright provocative. No blood has been spilled yet, let’s keep it that way and see this negotiation through, kiddos. Now you all do ransom, don’t you? Priam, you were ransomed to your sister during the last war Troy fought with the Achaeans, right? And that led to a peaceful resolution and – up until two years ago – good relations with Greece. There’s no shame in asking for or paying a ransom when the alternative is war. It’s just like settling outside of a court of law, right?”
“No!” Paris said, “You can’t sell Helen back to her husband! She’s a woman, a human being. She’s not property!”
Hermes rolled his eyes.
“How many slaves does it take to get you dressed in the morning?” Odysseus asked.
“Right?” Hermes nodded, “You humans trade each other like cattle all the time, Paris. This is no different.”
“Please father,” Paris said, “I love her, I want to marry her, you can’t sell her off!”
“This is ridiculous,” Agamemnon said, “You owe us compensation for sailing out here! Why should we pay you for the return of what rightfully belongs to us?!”
“As Agamemnon seems more concerned with his bottom-line than the return of his sister-in-law, then perhaps we can come to the opposite agreement," Hermes suggested, "Rather than ransoming Helen back to the Achaeans, perhaps Troy could buy her freedom? Even a Spartan queen must have a price?”
“Not Helen,” Menelaus said sadly, “You can’t put a price on her.” Helen left the room sobbing. Paris tried to stop her, but Hector forced him to let the woman go.
“While King Menelaus has my sympathies,” Priam said, “I think that Lord Hermes’s suggestion represents the best possible resolution to our dilemma. It seems that Helen is worth more than her weight in gold, so I am prepared to offer her weight and a half in gold from our treasury to cover her emancipation. I am also willing to provide food and freshwater for your return to Greece.”
Agamemnon laughed, “You still owe us for the financial losses of this trip, and one and half women in gold does not come near to covering that.”
“You cannot possibly expect me to pay a year’s losses for tens of thousands of men taken away from their fields? I’ll send some extra food with you, to help cover the lost crop yields.”
“Some extra food?!” Agamemnon cried.
“Agamemnon, what do you expect us to offer?” Hector asked, “Do you want us to bankrupt Troy to appease you?”
“We want exclusive trade rights for all seaborne merchants traveling between Troy and all points south and west of Troy,” Odysseus said, “You can resume trade with your other partners at the end of ten years.”
“What? What?” Hector laughed nervously, “That’s ridiculous!”
“It’s only ten years, Hector,” Odysseus said.
“Ten years in which all trade between us and the Egyptians, the Etruscans, and everyone else is funneled through Greek hands,” Paris said, “Your merchants will be able to set their prices without fear of competition.”
“Greek merchants will still have to compete with each other to purchase your goods,” Hermes pointed out.
“It’s not the same!” Paris exclaimed, “And how much more will we have to pay on the goods we bring back to Troy from across the Mediterranean? The same goods we sell to our eastern trade partners? We’ll either have to eat the difference, or pass on a major hike to our eastern allies. That could jeopardize everything we’ve built here.”
“That’s the point,” Priam said quietly, “Isn’t it Agamemnon? You wish to bankrupt us, destroy our alliances. Cripple us to the point that we can no longer offer your Grecian league any competition in the eastern Mediterranean. Tell me Agamemnon, what invites such cruelty?”
Agamemnon stepped up to the throne and leaned forward to look Priam in the eye, “Our army was afflicted with a plague before we left. We lost over a two thousand young men before my daughter sacrificed herself to save us.”
“We didn’t send the plague,” Hector said, “Let alone demand your daughter’s blood.”
“I. Don’t. Care.” Agamemnon stressed each word deliberately, his eyes still fixed on Priam’s. “My daughter died because your idiot man-child stuck his cock in a hornet’s nest. To be honest, the only thing that might even begin to assuage my grief is to see Paris staked to your beach at low tide, to watch the rising sea water slowly drown him, and the crabs and gulls pick apart his remains. What I ask, by comparison, is generous.”
“Well…” Hermes said, “Maybe there’s an agreement to be made there. If Helen only left because of Menelaus’s alleged inadequacies, then it’s less important that she stay with Paris than that she stay in Troy. And if Paris loves truly loves her, he’d gladly sacrifice himself to spare her a war, wouldn't he?”
“What?!” the blood drained from Paris’s face, “No!”
“Agamemnon,” Hermes said, “In lieu of execution, would you accept Paris’s castration…?”
“NO!!!!” Paris cried again.
“Silence!” Hector shouted, “My brother is not a wise man, and often not a good one, but he’s still my brother and a Prince of Troy. We will not offer him up for sacrifice. If Paris must die by Achaean hands, let him do it with a sword in his hand and a shield on his arm.”
Odysseus sighed, “Is that your answer, King Priam?”
“It is,” Priam said with finality. “Remove your ships from our shores by nightfall, without harassing or molesting any of our merchants, or Greece and Troy will be at war come the morn.”
“If I cannot spill your blood from Paris’s wretched waste of a body,” Agamemnon growled, “I will spill it from all those others you love, Priam. How many sons do you have Priam? When next we speak it shall be far fewer.”
Hermes shook his head in disappointment and frustration, but escorted the Achaeans out of Troy and back to their ships.
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