Location: City of Larissa, Odysseus’s Lodging
Time Remaining: 1 Month, 26 Days
The ensuing debate had itself lasted, literally, days. The question that was ultimately put forth was simply, “What qualities are most essential to a good husband?” Helen had said that she should like to hear the suitors’ answers to the question, as it seemed likely to be very informative, but Aphrodite had dominated the ongoing conversation, primarily giving the other deities the floor. Answers were widely varied.
Ares simply said that a husband “should be a man”. Apollo had asked him what he meant, and Ares had explained, “Because if he wasn’t a man, he'd be a she, and she’d be called a ‘wife’, not a husband.” Apollo had assumed it was a poor joke, but Ares had turned out to be completely serious. With a bit more encouragement, he finally listed off the most manly qualities he could think of, “Courage, resolve, cunning, confidence, and aggression.”
By contrast, Apollo had – after lengthy consideration – concluded that the most desirable qualities should be, “Constancy, patience, good humor, generosity, and curiosity.” Hermes didn’t disagree, but his personal top five list was, “Thriftiness, punctuality, verbosity, adaptability, and humility.” Hephaestus had imagined the best qualities to be, “Reliability, efficiency, industry, creativity, and an appreciation of good craftsmanship.” Dionysus had listed, “Sweetness, saltiness, bitterness, sourness, and savoriness.” When Aphrodite clarified that the they were asking about the best qualities of a man, and not of a menu, Dionysus had taken a moment to contemplate, concluded that his answer was still valid, and headed off to his second lunch-orgy of the day.
Aphrodite was of the opinion that a man needed to be “assertive but pliable, low maintenance, well-endowed physically, well-endowed financially, and to have the stamina of a pig.” When someone asked if she meant a bull or a horse, Aphrodite assured them that, no, she definitely meant a pig. No one wanted to dig any further than that. Athena had emphasized, “Reason, logic, cleverness, clarity, and competency.” Artemis said she would have wanted a man “who loves animals, enjoys moonlit walks, is sensitive and emotionally intelligent, and a woman.”
Ultimately, the largely self-appointed committee had settled on discipline, cunning, athleticism, reason, and sophistication, largely because those were the qualities upon which they could agree on methods for evaluating. The men would face five competitive challenges – archery as a show of discipline and focus, combat as a test of athleticism, hunting as a test of cunning, a logic puzzle to test reason, and a challenge Dionysus nebulously defined as a test of “aesthetic sensibility.”
Penelope was aggravated by the whole affair, on Helen’s behalf. At first, Odysseus had thought she was overreacting, but then he remembered how he felt when he thought of her being married off to someone she didn’t want, and the idea sickened him. They discussed ways of helping Helen, but every notion they had would have pitted them against the gods themselves.
“Is there any way…” Penelope said, “You could call in a favor from your boss?”
“You want me to ask Athena to put a stop to the whole thing?”
“Or maybe, if nothing else, just to back us up if we do?”
Odysseus had heard stories of what happened when gods disagreed, and mortals caught between them did not generally fair well.
“I come with good tidings, then,” a voice sounded from behind them.
Odysseus was surprised to see Adresteia standing in the doorway, in human form, and fully attired.
“Um, hello…” Penelope said, “Who are you, and what are you doing in this house?”
“We’ve met before,” Adresteia said.
Penelope drew a blank, then noticed the amused smiling on Odysseus’s face.
“Ohhh…” Penelope said, “So this is what you look like as a human? Wow, you could practically be Helen’s sister. I’ll admit, I’m kind of intimidated by the competition now.”
“Please do not be,” Adresteia said, “I would never harm someone Odysseus cares so much about.”
Odysseus tried not to laugh. The woman? Goddess? Whichever she was, she seemed to have become significantly more human just in the year or so he’d known her, but she still genuinely misunderstood what Penelope was talking about.
“It’s good to see you in the unfeathered flesh, Addy,” Odysseus said.
“It was becoming complicated to move around this city in my other forms,” she nodded, “And it’s nice to stretch. I came to tell you that Athena wishes you to compete for Helen’s hand.”
“What?” Odysseus struggled to keep his voice low, “I’m not interested in marrying Helen!”
“Ody,” Penelope said, “You’d only have to marry her if you won, and – I love you – but there’s no way in Tartarus you’ll win whatever competition they cook up.”
Adresteia smiled – she liked Penelope. “Most of the men here are not competing for Helen’s love. They’re preening, showing off for one another, and while that vanity may seem pointless, it has a purpose,” Adresteia explained Athena’s reasoning, “You are prince of Ithaca, and will eventually be king of Ithaca. Even if you lose, playing the game will forge bonds with your future allies, and performing well in the competition will win their respect.”
“Fair enough, but what does Athena get out of it?”
“She wants you to ensure that Menelaus wins the competition.”
“Menelaus? He’s an empty-headed, all-helmet no-brains wannabe Spartan. What does he have to offer Helen?”
“You’re allowing your distaste for his brother to color your judgment of him,” Adresteia said, “Only two people planning to compete are genuinely interested in anything other than the status and power that would come from winning Helen – Menelaus and the boy, Paris. Helen grew up with Menelaus, and still sticks close by his side. They share much with each other the outside world is not privy to. Years together and they are still friends.”
“Sounds like the makings of a good marriage,” Penelope nodded.
“Okay. Okay, I withdraw my objection,” Odysseus said, “but it’s not the sort of thing the goddess of strategy would ordinarily concern herself with.”
“I agree, but she asks you to trust that it suits her purposes to not have anyone else win.”
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